On Feeling Seen
A lot of the time I don’t feel seen. I’m not sure if it’s true, or all in my head or a strange mix of both. It may be middle child syndrome or something else from my past but whatever it is, I know it’s shaped me.
I know this is the reason I made a lot of the choices that I did in my teenage years. I was so desperate for someone to see me, to hear and care about what I had to say, that I ended up making some poor decisions. But that’s part of growing up, right? You make the poor decisions when you are young so when you get older, you can make different mistakes. Hopefully better mistakes.
But there are some things in our youth that shape us, whether we like them to or not, and this is one that I find myself coming back to over and over again.
I like to think I’m doing better, and that I’ve surrounded myself with good people who see me and hear me, who want to know what’s going on in my head. Yet, I almost always find myself back-peddling. Before saying something important to me, I’ll say things like, “This really isn’t important”, or “I know you probably don’t care about this”. And the reason why I do this is a form of self-protection. If I can cut down what I’m about to say first, then it won’t hurt as much if what I say is rejected, will it?
But is this a healthy way to live? Sure I’m doing better than I was as a teen. I’m actually talking now and sharing what I think and feel. But have I learned anything if I’m making what I feel or think less than before anyone else can? Probably not.
This is hard for me to write and maybe this is part of the reason why I can’t keep up with blogs or videos. I’m afraid of putting myself out there and people rejecting it. Rejecting me.
I’m not sure why I’m so scared of being alone and unheard, because it won’t happen. Even if some people don’t like or care about what I have to say, at least one person in my life will. But regardless, I should be doing this for me. Not to please anyone else or say what I think people want to hear or even downplay what I’m saying just so no one else will.
I don’t know what conclusion I have about this. Maybe just to keep going. I’m trying my best. Maybe that’s enough for now.
